If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
