Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
