I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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