airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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