While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
