I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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