I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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