Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
