i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
