Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
