It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
