as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
