His hands were made for my vagina.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
