i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
