My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
