so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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