I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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