bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
