I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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