She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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