Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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