The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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