thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
