I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
