guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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