She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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