I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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