Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It's just like the Real World with babies
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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