So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
