Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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