i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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