I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
