so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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