Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
