Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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