What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she told me i tasted like america
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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