Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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