Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
