I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
