It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
did i just pee glitter
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
