My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
