but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
