when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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