Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Dear god my vagina.
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