I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
