I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
