so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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