Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
