Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
