$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
