I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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