Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
