If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
