note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
